I have come to terms with myself. I have found that I am a weak person. I am a foolish person that just wants to believe in the good of everything. That I can be hurt so painfully with only a few simple words.

I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to be forceful. I don’t want to be nice. There is no happy medium that would please everyone. And most of all, please myself. So I am at my wits end. Im sure that if I haven’t snapped it would come soon and take over me, making me, my mother.

I don’t want to be my mother. My mother is a selfish person. I guess in a way, so am I. I want to be happy, I want to be loved and most of all, I don’t want to be alone. And even thou I share my bed with the man I love, that seemingly doesn’t love me the same way. I feel alone. He makes me so frustrated because, to me and what I have learned for the past month, that he has only been using me. He says he loves me. Now I'm not sure. I used to be sure. But now, after the continuous text messages, the secret meetings behind my back. I have so much doubt weighing me down.

I actually told him to get out of my house. That I would rather be alone than to feel this pain that has been surging through me. I feel sick all the time. I get headaches, belly aches. I cry when I don’t want to and cry so much that I feel as if I would pass out. I am crying now, as I write these words cause they hurt me so.

I feel used and betrayed by the very man that promised to love me til death do us part. The same man that promised the world. That man that says he does love me, but just not in love with me. He has lied to me countless times. Making me unsure of what to believe. But I can’t help but continue to love him. He is my world. I can not view the future without him. And I am scared.....

Now I know how those women feel in those abusive relationships. How they can’t help themselves, and I used to pity them.... I feel like that. I feel so helpless without him. He says he feels like a dog, that I treat him like one. The only thing I have ever asked him to do was to stop seeing her, to stop everything with her. I had a right to demand it, he is my husband. I have taken his phone to stop the calls. I monitored it when he said he was stopping. But he didn’t, he continued to do things without thinking of the consequences. And when I confront him. He just admits that he is stupid for doing it and he is confused. I told him I wanted him to change hours, pleaded with him to change hours or even find another job. But no....He wont change for me. And I can’t force him.

So what am I to do? I am waiting for the end of this day for an answer from him. Leaving him without his phone, without the internet, no outside connections so he can sit there and think. And think hard on what he wants.

Does he want the woman that will love him till the day he dies, does everything for him, asks of nothing but his love and devotion, that has provided a house over his head? Or the girl, barely 19, young, foolish, a whore. I call her a whore because she could have stopped this. She could have told him no, but she didn’t and for all I know she betrayed her boyfriend. Don’t people have any respect, any guilt. Apparently she doesn’t, how nieve. She is nothing but poison, clouding his judgment and I wont stand for it any longer. We were perfectly happy without her. Before her, there was no doubt. Now it seems so thick of it that it chokes the air from my lungs.

Sure it was a little routine. That is what happens after you work, come home, only to go to work again. I explained this to him and it seemingly goes into one ear and out the other.

I could have been a bitch, I could have been my mother. To get him fired, to get her fired. To tell each and every person at his work how unfaithful he is. I could have told my family just how unfaithful he is. But I didn’t, I gave him the benefit of a doubt, I gave him a chance to prove to me that he does love me and he will choose me in the end. But for a month, all I have gotten was lies and I donno’s.

Im tired....Im so sick of his indecisiveness. It is killing me. I actually thought about ending my miserable suffering when he wouldn’t answer the 20 or so calls at 330 am this morning. I panicked and all I could think was that he was leaving me and I could do nothing to stop it. I thought about finding all the pills at my house and just take them... I had these thoughts before, when I was younger. But even then, and even now those thoughts will just be that...thoughts. I wanted to drown my sorrows, and just be numb....but I couldn’t bring myself to it. I would never be able to bring myself to it. I have too much pride and too much of my mother's stubborness to let myself get that low.

I have been alone most of my life, so the past 6 years with him have been such a blessing, like my prayers, if I prayed, have been answered. I felt loved and wanted.....and now...now it seems as if all good things come to an end. Temptation strikes again. And soon, I will most likely be alone. Its painful and Im frightened. My life seems empty, useless, like nothing without him. I love him and will continue to love him because I have given myself to him fully. I placed all of myself in his hands and now it seems as if he had crumbled me up and tossed me away like an old used piece of paper...

God this hurts...

My chest seems to have this complete pounding, vibrating panicked heart rate, as if it wants to explode, I can hear its rapid beat within my ears. I may not know what exactly a panic attack is, but I believe that I have felt it so many times in this past month that I do not wish for it again. I hate when I can’t breathe, when I choke on nothing. When I have to clench my chest and tell myself to relax. I feel as if it will explode and frankly, after watching all three alien movies lately at work ....cause I have lost most if not all motivation...I think I would rather prefer the alien. At least you know, it can’t happen twice.

Yeah, yeah, I know what your thinking. Im being dramatic with the whole alien thing. But frankly that is just how I feel. I feel as if my heart was wrenched out of my chest and stomped on in front of my own eyes. Im pouring my heart into him and he just doesn’t see or understand it.

I just don’t know what to do anymore...I am so lost, so alone, and hurting soooo much. I can’t take it anymore.... I have taken off all the jewelry that he has gotten me. I have indents on my fingers. A reminder of what was there just hours ago. And it hurts that I feel so naked without them. Its not like I can just let him go and find some one else....Im not attractive and right now my self esteem is in the shitter and it wouldn’t be fair to the other person that my heart still longs for my husband.

He tried to comfort me, wrapping his arms around me after I cursed at him to get out of my house. He tried to calm me down. But there is not calming down when I felt as if I am being used. I just don’t know what to do.

I cried as I watched him get ready for work. I helped him pack his things and place them in the car. That was the hardest thing I think I ever had to do. I told him all he had to do was prove that he loved me in order to come back. To promise me his love. I would gladly take him in a heart beat. I know marriage is hard and it will take time for me to trust him. But I don't and I still don't want to lose him. So I pray to anyone that will listen that this separation will be short term. That he would come to his senses and come back to me. But I can't allow him to have the best of both worlds. I couldn't just stand by and allow him to continue on this relationship with another girl. This is my stand, and I hope, I pray that it was the right thing to do, as well as the best thing.

I love him soooo much....

So I am sorry if I am a bump on a log, as if I stare into emptiness without paying attention. That I have no will to draw or do anything creative. I will make it up to you. But until then please know that I need time. Time to see what will happen. What will become of my love and me. What will be come of this mess that we have gotten into. And if I can help him get out of the hole that he had dug himself into... I will do my best to make everyone happy, but first I need to know where I stand.

Thank you for understanding...


-----Friends------
(or at least I hope they are , or at least let me stalk them)

-----Clubs Im in-----